Vikster Shaves Head, Becomes Monk

Overwhelmed by deep regret for bringing shame and embarrassment to his community; and in solidarity with the oppressed Burmese monks, Vikster joined a forest monastery. Future columns will feature discourses on living according to the Noble Eightfold Path.

Crying Indians Laughing Indians: Vikster Explains Himself

This double page spread in the Bangkok Post Newspaper's Guru Magazine is the author's response to the controversy caused by his satire published a week prior.

My grandfather’s coffin went bump-bump-bump as I spoke with Voranai. One hour to my dearly departed grandfather’s cremation, sitting on the coffin-bus and my editor was on the phone in frenzy. “Have you been checking your mails?” he asked.

"No" I replied, "I'm on my way to... a... um... a meeting."

“I’ve been getting calls all morning. It’s pretty serious.” He told me of angry women crying on the phone. Of treats to shut down the Bangkok Post, reporting them to the Indian Embassy, and claims that the police were on their way to his office. A police report? “On what charge?” he asked.

“For accusing Indians of being hairy” one of his callers replied.

My first article was published in this magazine last week. The Punjabi Playa’s Guide was a cheeky advice column full of misinformation and exaggeration about Bangkok’s Punjabi community to which I belong.

After the funeral rites I went home, washed my hair and checked my email. 23 messages and one blog post complimenting me vs. three angry emails that Friday evening. I called the editor back, “what’s the fuss?” I asked him. At the time of this writing, I have received around 35 messages complimenting my work and six complaints. I hear that a very angry group is writing to the Bangkok Post.

Voranai told me that I had some explaining to do. I had until Monday to write a new article telling his angry Indian readers exactly what mischief I’m up to.

I’m not a diplomat or a philosopher. I don’t have a PhD in Thai-Indian culture and I don’t speak on behalf of all Thai-Indians. I’m not even being paid. I hope other Indians express themselves publicly, and I’m sure there’s more to talk about than Bollywood and Indian restaurants. I welcome your comments, good or bad. I provide a space for all your opinions. Debate is good.

I’ll explain myself, but be gentle. I’m just here to tell a few jokes to entertain my generation. This is a lifestyle and entertainment magazine. Feedback shows that the majority loves my comedy and wants me to continue.

Here’s an email from somebody who disagrees: [Brackets added by me]

Subject: how dare u insult we indians
raise your voice against this article !!!!

well mr […] the one who thinks he knows indians very well & the siamese wanna be .... but sounds to be like a jerk for the rest of the world. we know you work for the siamese but that doesnt mean you should be butterin them up by insulting indians...!!! every indian men,women,kids & old ppl are against your article in guru magazine page 12 about punjabi's ...what r u if not namthari's [Namdharis are a type of Sikh] or hindu but hey dude you still fall in the hairy categories so watch out before you speak !!!

the overall page plus the words used are soooooooo rude, full of nonsense & bullshit. you should have been slapped non-stop. you mentioned about being hairy wellll you are one of them.... we do know that we hate being hairy but that doesnt mean that we are ashamed about being an indian...& dude about waxing this is 20th century they have something called laser which not only indians are allowed but every race ... i've seen so many siamese & the gora's [westerners] doin it ... so next time before you published such a shit article do find out more !!!

about the zee tv i think u must be complaining about your mom & grandmom who has nothin else to do besides being a potato couch watching childish zee tv soap thats y such a childish son is born from her soaps womb !!! and hey btw the zee tv has more sense than thai tv .... with all those nonsense screamings & servants role !!!

and about the long hair with the vatika oil i think your sister is the only indians using it in thailand or your mom still forced your dad to put it on his hair.....HELLLLL00000 it wud me more appropriate if you could just say baby johnson oil !!!!!

about the arrange marriage may b ur m0m just fix urs like what last weeek..??? and hey if sum1 has da $$$$$$ to study abroad wats up ur ass???? y are siamese studyin abroad ....????

and hey facebook & hi5 are used worldwide not only in indians in bkk ....does that means all the siamese & americans r also jerks....EVEN THE SIAMESE HAVE 1 OF THHOSE PROFILE & HEY JERK STOP SURFING ONLY SHAADI.COM [an Indian matrimonial service] WEBSITES FINDIN A NICE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW FROM INDIA 4 UR MOM !!!

Hands up those of you who believed I was writing a genuine advice column last week. Nobody, Indains, Thais or “Goras” took that article seriously. The positive comments were from Bangkok-Indians, mostly female, who joined me in laughing at ourselves.

A human-rights activist and my friend, Pooja, had the following to say about me in her blog (read the complete story on http://beyond-skin.blogspot.com/ ):

His first article […] touches upon [our] idiosyncrasies and says “yes, we are a little pathetic, but we know how to laugh at ourselves because we’ve come a long way since spinach farming.” […] he addresses the stereotypes with humour and mischief rather than perpetuating this idea that Indians only have the authority to discuss yoga and bhangra. I hope other Indians in Bangkok are able to also pick up on [his] thinly-veiled challenge: is this who we want to be, or can we redefine ourselves?

The ability to laugh at ourselves represents a maturity among the majority of readers who contacted me. It’s a sign that we’re not ashamed. Let the world see us for who we really are: beautiful and tacky.

I’ve been accused of not being a “proud” Punjabi. Pride doesn’t mean sweeping our embarrassing quirks under the carpet. I love my culture: the wonderful parts and the silly. By identifying the silly parts we can start to change them (if, at all they need changing). It also makes us more human. Why lie that we’re perfect? We’re human, we have flaws. Be proud of the flaws!

There was a time when we had to hide. Unlike the Chinese, we rarely married Thais. Our distinctive look set us apart so we remained in our small incestuous communities. We were avoided and misunderstood by the public and we did precious little to change their views. This has resulted in some deep insecurities. Some of us walk around with a chip on our shoulders, ready to pounce on anybody who might be laughing. We developed a fierce conservatism.

The conservative ideology is based on fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change. Fear of being individuals in public because we’re so used to being shot down and laughed at. Sisters and brothers, times have changed!

We’re approaching a cultural renaissance. People don’t necessarily hate us, sometimes they’re just curious. In most cases they’re so busy in their own lives they don’t care either way. Sure they have stereotypes about us, but we have stereotypes about them too, don’t we? Should we pretend those stereotypes don’t exist? Perhaps the stereotypes mean we should look in the mirror and see if there’s somebody in there that could use some improvement.

My dear grandfather worked hard to build a good life here, as did many of yours’. Did they mean for us to remain insular? Laughing at ourselves and sharing the joke with Thais and Expats doesn’t mean we’re becoming liberal.
The liberal mentality is equally as unstable as conservatism. It suggests that we don’t care about the past; it hints that we're letting go of our values, and that maybe we’re being too influenced by “the others”.

That’s not what modern Thai-Indians are about. If anything we’re re-inventing ourselves. We're creating a new definition of what it means to be Thai-Indian. We love our Sikhism, our Hinduism and we’re taking it forward. We’re integrating with other cultures and learning form them, and they’re learning from us. The term for this isn’t “liberal”, it’s “progressive”.

One of the most enjoyable ways to teach others is through humor. Admit it; we laugh at our own Sardar (and Gujju and Sindhi) jokes. Are Sardars really as silly as the jokes make them seem? Are all Sindhis stingy? No. We find the jokes funny because there's something in the stereotypes we relate to.
There's nothing wrong with Vatika Oil even though most Bangkok Indians don’t use it (I use Johnson’s Baby Oil as my angry reader suggests). All of us know somebody's somebody who's addicted to Zee TV. It's funny; it’s a quirk of ours. We're mature enough to laugh at our quirks. Our forward messages, magazines and movies have material far worse than my Punjabi Playa’s Guide. V.S. Naipaul and Kushwant Singh have been bashing their own tribe for years. Russell Peters and co. laugh at their fellow Indians for a living, and everybody (Indians and non-Indians) loves their comedy. I’m peanuts compared to them!

Our communities have grown and diversified. Diversification brings an acceptance of who are and identification of areas needing improvement. I’m a symptom of change. My views aren’t unique. Shoot me down and you’ll have ten more Viksters’ pop up. Join me and we can grow together.

Indians are in all levels of Thai society. Sure we dominate textiles, real estate and jewelry but we’ve also moved far beyond that. We’ve become entertainers, thinkers, social workers and scientists. We’re doctors and lawyers and business executives. There’s nothing tacky about that.

We’re far more comfortable than we’ve ever been!

Sit back, grab some tea and pakoras and laugh with me.

Next week I go back to telling jokes.

As published in Guru Magazine, 14th September 2007.

Guru Magazine's editor responds to accusation that his magazine is "racist"

From: Voranai Vanijaka / Editor, Guru Magazine

With reference to the letter by “Anti-Racist”.

Dear Anti-Racist,

I was deeply saddened and dumbfounded by your letter. How can an individual make accusations of RACISM and IRRESPONSIBLITY without a single ounce of proof to back any of it up, not one piece of evidence?

The only example you gave was “How to pick up Indian girls” – how does this constitute “Racism”? Especially since the article was written by an Indian? Since the column is about the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians of the Punjabi community? Are you saying young Thai-Indians do not date?

These are very strong accusations and I request an apology.

We are a media publication and we serve to provoke thought, pose questions, and invite debate. We stand by our beliefs in freedom of expression, freedom of thought and progressiveness. We despise censorship and threats. That is the integrity and duty of the media.

If we are to kowtow to unfounded accusations, then we should be ashamed to call ourselves journalists. However, if we’ve made mistakes in our writing, we would happily apologize for those mistakes. But the burden of proof is on the accuser. And no, (excerpt from the article) “sending a team of scientists in search for hairless people” is not a mistake, as it is intended to be humorous. And no educated adult with ability to understand creative writing would take that as historical fact. Humor and creative writing are the backbone of a lifestyle publication.

The article was written by a Punjabi Thai-Indian to offer a humorous, satirical look at the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians. Nowhere in the article is there any racism. But the main point of this (unpaid, freelance) writer was/is to provide his own (Punjabi) community with a voice of the young generation for his community.

Furthermore, had you taken the time to actually read the article for what it was, rather than simply picking out all the parts that you deem as ‘racist’ you would find a well-written article covering relationship issues. Yes, the persona identified in the column may be a chauvinistic idiot, but racist he is not. And he is intended to be a chauvinistic idiot, to shed light on the behavior of young people, to let them have a look at themselves in mirror, in their quest to score girls. To provoke thought and make them question themselves. He’s ridiculing young male’s behavior in relation to young female through creative writing.

You say you have over 30 people complaining? I also have over 30 people complimenting the article. You can read them in this Friday's issue of Guru Magazine. There may be less people who like the column, and more people who dislike it, but again, we are a media organization with principles and integrity, not media prostitute that kowtows to ratings.

On a weekly basis, we parody different segments of Bangkok and Thailand, in the interests to encourage people to examine ourselves, take a look at the good and the bad within ourselves, in order to develop and improve as individuals and as a society. Share ideas, exchange ideas and offer debate. Provoke and make impact. That is the job of the Media.

Which is why, more so than recommendations of restaurants and parties, Guru Magazine is most popular for personal columns that examine politic, society and people.

If we make one person think, question himself/herself and reexamine his/her role in society; then we have done a good job as journalists. The language (slang) we use is the language of our generation. You may not speak the same language, but that doesn’t give you the right to try to prevent us from speaking our language. You cannot prevent a generation of people from speaking out.

Thai society has come a long way. And like it or not, the Thai-Indian community is a part of that society. We are all Thais and we are all equal. It is the writer, Vikster’s interests, to bridge the gap between the two communities. Offer more understanding and common ground, after all, we are all Thais and we are all people.

Like many young Thais, Vikster and those like him, wish to no longer be blind, deaf and dumb by kowtowing to censorship, whether self-imposed, community-imposed, government-imposed or media-imposed. They wish to speak out. They wish to make progress. They wish to evolve as people and society. And it’s the duty and responsibility of the Media to be the platform for such people, or any people.

The article shows that young Thai-Indians have issues with traditions and the older generation, just like everyone else in Thailand, be them Thais, Chinese, Farangs or whoever. The article shows the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians (clubbing, studying abroad, romance and courtship, facebook/hi5/myspace etc…), a similar lifestyle to others within the society. The article shows the beautiful and the quirky, the smart and the silly – all that which makes us HUMANS.

It is the author’s interests, and of those like him, to dispel stereotypes, to reach out to their own community and bridge the gap with other communities. Their aim is for the ethnic-Thai community to no longer view the Thai-Indian community as an entirely different breed, some alien group that no one understands or doesn’t even care to have dealings with.

The truth of the matter is: Most Thais do not have any Thai-Indian friends, and most Thai-Indians do not mingle with Thais. We treat each other at arm’s length, with suspicion and paranoia. (And your letter is proof of that.)

But with a column such as this, with people such as Vikster, at least the Thais can go, “Wow, they are really no different from us. Similar issues, similar problems, similar struggles, similar quirks, similar silliness. We are all just people.”

And if Vikster and those like him wish to bridge the gap between the communities, then we will continue to support him, as it is our job, our duty as the media to do so. And if any one has a contrary opinion, we are a media platform. You are welcome to write in and express your opinion and we will be more than happy to debate the issue further, like educated adults.

That is the spirit of responsible journalism. It’s not to kowtow to censorship and threats in order to increase readerships and make money.

We at Guru serve our community, and that is the Bangkok community, which is made up of various ethnic groups. We serve to inform, to question, to provoke, to debate – all for the sake or progress and evolution.

In closing, I request an apology for your accusations of being Racist and Irresponsible. But unlike you, I leave it to your freedom of choice whether to apologize or not – without having to resort to making threats.

This is the integrity of the media. This is the responsibility of the media. This is the duty of the media. And I am proud to be a member of the Media, of The Post Publishing and of Guru Magazine.

Respectfully,

Voranai Vanijaka



-Original Message-

From: Anti Racist

Dear Editor,

With reference to an article on page 12 of last Fridays GURU magazine (I think the article was PUNJABI PLAYA by Vikster). I would like to convey to you how badly that has hurt the sentiments of many people with Indian ethnicity.

I have been a loyal subscriber of your newspaper for many decades. This is the first time i am ever writing to your paper. The Bangkok Post has always been outstanding in providing news, information and entertainment for all it's reader. A result of that has been your growing success.

I was deeply sadden and dumfolded by the above mentioned article. How can a publication under the Bangkok Post publish an article that ridicule and mock a certain ethnic group. I am amazed how could you have a journalist with a lack of understanding of responsible journalism. I do not know that individual as he had contributed this article under his pen name (' VICKSTER'). This article is demeaning and has sadden many Indians, most of them living here for more than 3 generations. This article suggests way to pick up Indian girls!!

Dear editor and all responsible, I hope you will take neccessary actions against those responsible for the publication. An apology alone will not suffice as I and many of my friends and associates will not contribute to a publication that will ridicule, mock and talk dirt about any ethnic group. Pls also check the language and abbreviations used in this article. YOur publication suggest this magazine caters to the young generation of the Thai Society so how can such language be used? We are all aware that everyone is familiar with the slangs (or suggestive slang) but its your moral duty as a leading newspaper not to culture it further. I am amazed how did this article pass through the editorial table of GURU magazine!! If you think it's ok then our nations newpapers will be spewed with slangs and abusive language. Pls kindly note that alot of youngsters pratice their English reading skill by reading your newpaper and it's supplementaries.

Since last Friday I have made contact with many people in my community and we have come to a conclusion that if there's no PUBLISHED APOLOGY and if the journalist in question remains under your payroll we will not renew our subscription to your newspaper. Till now i have gathered 30 people who have pledged to do the same. This is not all i will be circulating emails to our community to boycott your publication. We have already discussed with various centers for the Indian community (Temples, Associations, Clubs...etc.) and we will push for the boycott of your publication. A few hundred subscribers will not matter much for you as you are a big publishing house, but do remember that in todays time the best form of advertising is by word of mouth. I will do all i can within my reach to get the maximum people to boycott your newspaper. Pls keep in mind the number of Indian readers you have. We have an alternate in the form of THE NATION.

I plead with you to take responsibility and show us the spirit of responsible journalism.

I would appreciate any correspondance via this email.

Thanking you.
ss?

Hate Mail for Punjabi Playa's Guide

Last Friday's Punjabi Playa's Guide caused quite a stir. I received a total of 35 compliments and six angry emails as of this posting. My editor received furious calls with threats including police action. Here are the angry responses:

Let me know what you think.

From: chon chaang

how dare u insult we indians

raise your voice against this article !!!!

well mr..... the one who thinks he knows indians very well & the siamese wanna be .... but sounds to be like a jerk for the rest of the world. we know you work for the siamese but that doesnt mean you should be butterin them up by insulting indians...!!! every indian men,women,kids & old ppl are against your article in guru magazine page 12 about punjabi's ...what r u if not namthari's or hindu but hey dude you still fall in the hairy categories so watch out before you speak !!!

the overall page plus the words used are soooooooo rude, full of nonsense & bullshit. you should have been slapped non-stop. you mentioned about being hairy wellll you are one of them.... we do know that we hate being hairy but that doesnt mean that we are ashamed about being an indian...& dude about waxing this is 20th century they have something called laser which not only indians are allowed but every race ... i've seen so many siamese & the gora's doin it ... so next time before you published such a shit article do find out more !!!

about the zee tv i think u must be complaining about your mom & grandmom who has nothin else to do besides being a potato couch watching childish zee tv soap thats y such a childish son is born from her soaps womb !!! and hey btw the zee tv has more sense than thai tv .... with all those nonsense screamings & servants role !!!

and about the long hair with the vatika oil i think your sister is the only indians using it in thailand or your mom still forced your dad to put it on his hair.....HELLLLL00000 it wud me more appropriate if you could just say baby johnson oil !!!!!

about the arrange marriage may b ur m0m just fix urs like what last weeek..??? and hey if sum1 has da $$$$$$ to study abroad wats up ur ass???? y are siamese studyin abroad ....????

and hey facebook & hi5 are used worldwide not only in indians in bkk ....does that means all the siamese & americans r also jerks....EVEN THE SIAMESE HAVE 1 OF THHOSE PROFILE & HEY JERK STOP SURFING ONLY SHAADI.COM WEBSITES FINDIN A NICE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW FROM INDIA 4 UR MOM !!!



From: Anya Kiya

Punjabi Playa or Punjabi PRICK?!!!

Dear Mr 'Too cool for School'

I read your article this morning, I'm sure no need to remind you which one...I'm a punjabi girl, 21 years old,live in Bangkok.. studying abroad and here's what my sister and I have to say..

your article should be called

'A guide to become a desperate creep' ...or actually ' The punjabi prick's guide to act fowl' By the way people following your advice would only get desperate girls and uneducated ones hanging on their rms...that's if they're stupid enough to take your article seriously..

This world has moved on...no more sexist shits!!you obviously haven;t..either that or just grow up!!!!

People reading your article would just laugh at you or feel sorry for you if that's the life you've lead.

oh and by the way...I've been studying in the UK for 10 years..I still wouldn't find those guys with stupid oneliners and namphrik crap attractive or cool let alone..'normal' ! hopefully no boys have read your article and thought 'ohh great advice'! we dont need anymore desperate men running around thinking they're all that..n btw they're the saddest of all people..
Hopefully you're not one of them...good luck to you



From: punjabi punjabi

Hi!!

Interesting story, too bold, some true facts, not at all a proud punjabi infact very ashamed of it!!! Balle, Balle,Haw Hai, OMG etc,etc.

I'm a proud punjabi, sad to know you're not!!!

Make us proud of our origin. Thanks!!!



From: Thira Khanijou

dear vikster,

you did offend quite a few people with your article. i hope your next column will give people the more accurate facts about us thai-indians.

thira



From: sopha s

Sep 12

cshi

I just wanted to congratulate you for winning the award for SCD of the year(there's another abb. for your vocab listing).

Not a fan

The Punjabi Playa's Guide to Gettin' your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple

Punjabis are the loudest, biggest and most hairy people in the whole damn universe. Two hundred years ago, Punjabi scientists sent research teams to the far corners of the world to find a race totally opposite to ours. Years later we discovered the most gentle, soft-spoken and hairless people on Earth: The Siamese.

For 40 days and 40 nights we sang and danced. “Balle! Balle!” we proclaimed. All across our fertile land, from our fields of spinach to the banks of our five sacred rivers we partied and drank and fainted. Then we got up and drank some more.

Hungover but still happy, we selected the bravest and hairiest of us to live amongst these mysterious Siamese people and learn their ways. Perhaps we could be hairless like them. “No more clogged shower drains!” said the men. “No more leg-waxings!” said the women. Thus began the great experiment of establishing a Punjabi community in Thailand.

Seven generations later and our experiment has failed miserably. Oh we tried following their ways. We pigged-out on som tam, watched TV soap operas and voted Thai Rak Thai. Then we abstained from voting. Then our vote was nullified. Then we voted for the constitution. Yet we remain as hairy as ever. Oh well. We’re here and we can’t go back (Punjab has since spit into two pieces and most people got out of the spinach farming business so we wouldn’t know what to do.)

Since we’re here we might as well live the good life. Have the best of both worlds. Culture and coochie. Tradition and tooty. As such I present to you the Punjabi Playa’s Guide to Gettin’ your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple (PPGGFWSRT for short). Girls and Elders: put the magazine down. Take five steps back, say “haw hai” and go have some tea and pakoras. The rest of this article is for single men only.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Ek: “I’m just looking for a wife”.

The Indian arranged marriage circuit is a dating service in disguise. It’s your ticket to meeting an unlimited supply of homely girls you’d never see at the clubs or bhangra nites. These girls are diamonds in the rough. They keep their long hair nourished with Vatika coconut oil; sing their hymns so very faithfully; and their idea of a wild evening is watching Zee TV with their parents at 8 p.m. Playa, you’ve just struck gold!

Use your slick charm to tell them of the magic world beyond the box. Wax poetic of the blinking lights and thumping beats in the clubs. Tell them of the romantic moon lit walks you’d take with them. Speak bravely of exotic cocktails such as whiskey coke, whiskey soda and whiskey so-coke. You’ll have her mesmerized, dazzled and zombified.

Of course she’ll have to spice it up a little, so give her a couple of fashion magazines and send her on a Paragon shopping spree. Get her a makeover gift voucher, but insist that she keep on using the Vatika hair oil. After all, you’ve created a brand new Playette (subject for a future article); you don’t want her snatched up until you’re ready to let her go. The coconut oil is insurance that the competition will stay beyond smelling distance.

When you’re ready to move on her just introduce her to leave-in conditioner.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Do: Cloak’n’Dagger

Playa, why do you have such a lame Facebook profile? And what are you doing on Facebook anyway? Facebook is for decent well-behaved, well-educated young adults. Hi5 is for playas.

Here’s what you need to do: remix your profile. Remove that obvious picture of yours and replace it with a picture of your buttocks. It’s a well known fact that women like to look at backsides so here’s your chance to making a bangin’ first impression. Change your name to something like “2 Kool 4 Skool” but make sure it’s not displayed as Lastname, Firstname because “4 Skool 2 Kool” doesn’t have the same impact.

See, this way nobody will know who you are. Even if your cousin or hip sister-in-law sees you she’ll be like “2 Kool? Vot is this 2 Kool nonsense? Hi5 is stupid. Time for some tea and pakoras. Zee TV is on.” You can go around adding every half-decent catch on Hi5 and have your inbox full of adoring messages like “Who r u? Where did u get my contact?” Classic signs she wants you, Playa!

PPGGFWRST Point Number Tin: Brotherly Love

That girl you’ve been sending sweet-sweet messages to: has she dropped an “I love you like a brother” bomb on you? Keep calm bro, the world’s not over. Here’s how to drag yourself out of Bro-Zone and back to Mr. Lova Lova Land:

See, women are jealous. They don’t go for easy men so you need to increase your value. Change your friend’s names on your phone to “Babycheeks”, “Sugalips” and “Cutiecakes”. Then strategically get them to message you with pre-scripted romantic one liners every time you’re with your sista-from-another-mista. Tell her “Hai hai! Why do these girls keep messaging me?” show her the messages and shake your head in frustration.

Soon she’ll be begging for some of that magic that’s driving all the other girls loopy. You’d better start lifting weights Playa! Before long she’ll be finding any manner of excuse to fall into those strong arms of yours.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Char: Out Standing Citizen

As the old joke goes, Santa Singh and Banta Singh decide to win a Nobel Price. Santa Singh gets up and sprints to the middle of a football field and stands there for half a day. Banta Singh finally locates him and asks him what he’s doing. Santa replies, “I read that to win a Nobel prize you must be out standing in your field.”

The game play here is to let your magnificence shine, do something to get your name tip-of-tongue and top-of-mind. You want to beat the hundreds of other wanna-be-playas aiming for your share of booty? Be outstanding!

Grow yourself a thick furry mustache and make a habit of twirling it. You’ll quickly be known as Chief. Twirlyface and your image will be permanently burned into the brains of everybody you meet.

It is scientifically proven that girls can only think of five guys a day. Achieving this kind of brain-burn is a great way to remain on her active list. Just call her up and ask her out. Gone are the days of “Who is this and how did you get my number?” When you call, she’ll say “Hey! You’re the twirly guy! Ooo mustaches are so sexy! Can I be the mother of your children?”

PPGGFWRST Point Number Panj: Beyond the Sea

Who knows why good Indian girls go absolutely nuts when they study abroad. It’s not like anything’s lacking in Bangkok. Sure they have curfews and the constant glare of the community watching their every move but that’s not so bad is it? I mean, who ever heard of a decent Punjabi girl out late night… talking to all kinds of strangers, drinking what not! Shameful. Never happened, never will.

Unless, of course, they go abroad. See, it’s a strongly-held Punjabi belief: when in Rome do as the Romanians do (“Rome” meaning any place populated by immoral white people such as Sydney, London or Boston; and “Romanian” meaning gypsies.)

So play on playa! The way to an overseas Bangkok-Indian girl’s heart is through her mouth. Practice your pad-kraphao, bring along some kaeng thai paste and don’t forget the easy fallback, Ma-Ma Tom Yum packets. Just walk up to her in a club and say “Hey Baby, wanna sip my naam prik?” or “You got oyster sauce? Let’s go back to my place and stir-fry.” Give her a taste of home and she’ll be dining on Playa Food six nights a week. At least until the next guy comes along with a thicker naam prik.

Vikster is a former Punjabi Playa. Send him your love, hate and gossip: viksters.verld@gmail.com

Vikster’s Vocab

Punjab: A state in northwest India

Balle Balle: Groovy baby! Shall we shag now or shag later?

Pakora: Punjabi tempura

Tempura: Japanese pakora

Zee TV: Satellite TV station with non-stop broadcasts of women crying without ruining their perfect makeup.

Vatika Oil: The reason why Thai people think that Indians smell bad

Haw Hai: OMG!

Bhangra Nite: A party where girls dress up to take pictures to put on Facebook and where guys get drunk and beat each other up.

Ek, Do, Tin: One, Two, Three

Char, Panj: Four, Five

Hai Hai: WTF!