Be my slave and I'll give you my heart of gold.

I write a column called Vikster's Verld for Masala.
I used to write for
Bed Sheets and, before that, The Bangkok Post's Guru.

15 December, 2007

Where have all the heroes gone?

Published in Bed Sheets Magazine. December, 2007. Un-edited version follows.

The strawberry is primarily a homosexual fruit. The explosion of juice in the oral cavity resulting from the piercing of the berry’s plump red flesh is entirely inappropriate for a straight, red-blooded male. Females, too, had best stay away from this fruit, unless it is cut into thin portions and eaten with the aid of a fork (or unless said woman is a prostitute).

I have nothing against faggots or whores or their outlandish taste in fruit, but I see the popularity of the strawberry as a symptom of the on-going gay-ification of society. Why, for example, doesn’t the masculine Dragonfruit or the regal Durian have its’ place in popular culture? Have you ever had Dragonfruit ice-cream? Durian flavored green tea?

In our attempts at being inclusive, have we not gone too far?

The generations before us looked up to warriors: the samurai, the cowboy, Gengis Khan, Alexander the Great... even detestable figures like Hitler and Stalin were at once hated yet exalted for their sheer lack of feminine frailty and their brute barbarism.

Who do we look up to today? Bill Gates.

Nelson Mandela. Gandhi. Aung San Su Kyi. His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

What happened? Why have we all turned into yellow-shirt-wearing, peace-loving, thumb sucking, make-tea-not-war clucking, hippies? What happened to the time where Arabs and Jews hated each other? Now we see them putting their 3,000 year old hostilities aside and sitting across negotiating tables to talk about how to share water resources. What happened to India and Pakistan being arch enemies? Now they operate bus services, play cricket matches and even *gasp* send their actors and singers across the borderline to entertain each other.

Crime is down. War is down. Skirts are up. Pants are down.

Most men are confused as hell. The metrosexual movement of the early 00’s may be well behind us, but its effects linger. Many red-blooded hetro’s still think they need to do more than shit, shower and shave before heading out for the night. This is partially fueled by Big Business who cha-ching at the increasingly big market for male cosmetics.

Unbeknownst to them, women are not just turned off by pretty boys but actually threatened that they now have to compete with men, not just women, in their quest for perfection.

Most men reach somewhat of a compromise between God and The Devil. They’ll get that pretty haircut but let some stubble grow. They’ll wear a shiny shirt but pair it with chunky boots. I’m here to tell you my brothers, that’s not gonna work!

Our purpose, our calling from the dawn of humanity is to hunt for wild beasts to bring back to our caves where we are to be adored and satisfied by our eager harem. Men protect, women provide. Men grunt, women giggle. Men command, women obey.

Male dominance in society is blamed for wars and the culture of violence, when the true culprit is distorted masculinity. Unfulfilled passions create repressed desires which come out in ugly and dangerous ways. What are the Taliban if not sexually-repressed schoolboys who’ve grown up and still play with guns? What fuels George Bush’s policy of perpetual war if not the repressed neo-conservative fear of being themselves? Read up on the republican gay sex scandals of 2007 for examples of men who talk about big about morality and get caught repeatedly with their pants down.

Brothers, it is time to claim your masculinity. Be strong and brave hunters as you conquer the world and lead your tribe. We have a million sperm to each woman’s egg. May that inspire us to be bold in our conquests and plant the phallus-shaped flag at the center of our heads so that women from near and far may instantly identify us as the dickheads we are.

The revolution begins now.

If my wife’s ok with it.

05 October, 2007

Bangkok-Indian Cultural Dimensions

Fat bastard cuts in line when you’re buying movie tix. Do you:
a)
Think “mai pen rai, he must be in a hurry”
b)
Think “How rude, I hope a bird poops on his head”
c)
Tap his shoulder and say “Hey Mister! Please don’t cut in front of me, it really makes me feel bad.”
d)
Grab his collar, call him a pucking frick and pound him for five minutes. Look around and notice there’s now a line circumventing you. March to the front and claim your place.

Sales
girl says “mister/madam we have your size…” Do you
a) Check out her merchandise
b)
Check out her merchandise and cry internally
c)
Tell her how unkind she is for hurting your delicate emotions by implying that you’re so large that your size isn’t standard
d)
Chew her ear with big words like “human decency” and “injustice” while waving your arms around knocking over all the merchandise. Demand a discount then pound her. Then buy a smaller size just to show her you’re not that big.

Restaurant serves your food cold and half an hour late. Do you:

a)
Eat it quickly before it gets any colder
b)
Give the waitress a puppyface then eat it quick before it gets any colder
c)
Tell the waitress how she hurt your sensitive feelings
d)
Bust into the manager’s room, shove a fork up his rectum and then pound him. When he meekly explains that sushi is supposed to be cold and it’s only been six minutes, pound him some more and say “cold sushi my foot!”

See, back in the late 1960’s an old white guy named Geert Hofstede quizzed people in different countries and split them into different dimensions: Power Distance (PDI), Individualism/Collectivism (IDV), Masculinity/Femininity (MAS), and Uncertainty Avoidance (UAI). Indians, he found, had the highest Power Distance in the world—meaning my people like having everybody else wiggly wormy at our feet.

Indians also had the world’s 3rd highest Masculinity which means we’re rough’n’tough and even our women love a good catfight. Purr-purr! India’s lowest dimension was Uncertainty Avoidance: we don’t like rules and we’re perfectly cool with being a little out-of-control.

But wait—there’s more! See, it takes a wicked Indian like me to figure out that the white guy wasn’t just talking about Indians. His Cultural Dimensions are bang-on about Bangkok circa 2007.

Check this.

PDI, Problems with Democratic Implementation: we like the idea of democracy, hell we love it so much we complain about our governments, overthrow them, and draft new constitutions so often we’re pros at it (except when our Burmese neighbors defy their military rulers and take it to the streets, then we just ignore them, or maybe we’re jealous of their cool-but-inaccurate slogan “The Saffron Revolution”. It’s really more like crimson or cinnamon. Maybe brick.)

IDV, Ignoring Different Voices: Your typical club night is a lesson in sociology. Oh the Indians keep to their corner (close to the bar), the farangs to theirs (edge of the dance floor) the Nigerians to theirs (quick access to the toilets) and bang in the center the Thais and Thai-Chinese. Mandatory musical chairs policy when the Vikster’s Verld Club opens up next April 1st.

MAS, My Arse is Slippery: When it rains, we slip’n’slide. When it’s hot, we sweat and slip. I hereby declare us the slippy-arse capital of the world. Next.

UAI, United Alcohol Imbibers: Thank gawd for all those chemicals in our drinking water coating our livers. Thailand is the world’s number 5 in alcohol consumption and no, I’m not proud.

Now baby, we’ve talked of Indians and Bangkokians, but to really mash up into the mind of the Bangkok Indian you need to mash up against Dr. Vikster. I’ve done hours of hands-on research at the bhangra nites, facebook walls and the hottest share groups in town. Come sit with me while I give you a lesson. There’s room aplenty on my lap.

Vikster’s Bangkok-Indian Cultural Dimensions:

Accent Switching (ASW)

Our long lost friend comes home for the hols and busts out a swanky American accent and we instantly drop our “lor?” tinged Thindian accent for a chic Californian one. Week later a rel from India drops by and it’s all hanji-hanji like we just fell off the back of a bullock cart from the motherland.

Food Mixing (FMX)

Cholay with som tum anybody? Khao-pad with achaar and yogurt? Our alu tikki spills into our kaeng thai sharing real estate with dhal and sen-mee-pad and somehow that’s perfectly fine? We Thai-Indians have mastered the science of matching the perfect Thai dish to its Indian soul mate. Of course it helps to Indianize the names of Thai dishes so khao-pad sounds more like cow fart.

Hangover Working (HWK)

Drink like Mr.Walker was our uncle and grunt our way through class/work the next day. But then. We're always grunting our way through class/work so nobody notices.

Parent Management System (PMS)

The ‘rents slap a 10 p.m. curfew and Taliban-style dress code? No sweat. The clever Thindian gurly gets her kicks before sunset. There’s always that friend with the dorm near the university because it’s just so unsafe to go home all the way from Srinakharain to Tha Pra (sounds like thappar) late night after class. She keeps a little black cardigan with her to cover up those sexy spag straps and comes home right on time like a perfectly well-mannered respectable Indian girl.

Yogic Driving (YDV)

Just as all Chinese people are kung-fu experts, all Indians are secretly yoga masters. Mundane activities like cutting toenails activate our higher chakras and lotus flowers bloom atop our heads. Sipping a cup of tea lets us swim through the 11 dimensions of the universe and sprinkle fairy dust on all sentient beings. The unique properties of whiskey allow it to flow directly into the left side of our brain, leaving half our heads totally sober. Let old leftie enjoy the boozefest while we save the right brain for more important skills like flirting with the waitress and driving home.

Manboob Concealment (MBC)

There’s a disproportionately high number of Thai-Indian guys with funny lumps on their chests. Granted, men with titties account for only a small percentage of the Thai-Indian population. There are, for example, far more Thai men with titties (owing to the fact that there are no Thai-Indian ladyboys). I’m not talkin’ silicone here, these the Thai-Indian man-boobs have been nursed since childhood with milk and butter; supplemented with ice-cream, pizza, and instant noodles; enriched further with whisky and those addictively good moo pings on Convent Road. Somebody's going to make big bucks producing the male bra (be it the “bro” or the “over-the-shoulder-boulder-holder”) koz this is the market.

Good news is, there are also a disproportionately high number of Indian tailors, and they’re pro's in the art of manboob concealment. A few clever stitches and some strategically placed vertical stripes and those lovelumps look like they were sculpted by Matt Daemon's personal trainer.

Gossip Magnification (GMF)

You started a tale that started the whole world talking? Our love for drama makes us the world's number one talksters. Like that whisper game we played as kids, tell somebody that "Jack and Jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water" and pretty soon the whole town is on fire. Everybody's talking about how shameless Jack was for tricking innocent Jill by taking her all the way up that isolated hill and how they kept on and on fetching all these pails of goodness-knows-what. Just SEE how they walk around with those cheeky smiles as if it was perfectly normal my gawd these young people now days are just too much!

All men are invited to compete in Bangkok's first-ever Mr. Manboob Competition. To enter, send your picture and details to viksters.verld@gmail.com. Vikster's Thai-Indian Cultural Dimensions are totally made up. Comment on this story or read the archives at http://vikstersverld.blogspot.com. Your comments may be published in future articles, anonymous feedback is allowed.

Vikster's Vocab

Share Group: See next week's story
Hanji-Hanji: The only words in Hindi or Punjabi you'll ever need to know when talking respectfully with elders. Translates to "yes yes".
Cholay: Chick peas
Achaar: Pickles that tickle
Alu Tikki:
The Alu Tikki is a mystical gift from the afterworlds. This alchemy of base materials that requires not a master’s hand, but a heart of gold. It is a clear statement of the glory one might attain by living a life of perfect balance and harmony. It is solid proof of God’s existence.
This tender potato croquette packs a gushing surge of heat that hints at molten lava is encased nonchalantly in a tissue-thin carbon crust that recalls sun baked volcanic ash.
Atop this exoskeleton sits chutney. Mighty and proud, chutney does not begin to describe this exquisite tamarind emulsion. Sweet, tart and pungent clinging for dear life to this puck-shaped wonder with the determination of an octopus’ tentacles sucking the ocean surface.
This chutney is at once thick, and yet weightless, with the litheness of a hovering Tibetan monk making love to a ballet dancer. The Tikki’s outer crust has no reason to ever suspect its amorous intruder. The chutnification process is the yin to the Tikki’s yang. The Shiva to its Shakti—yet the pure Tikki-wala (a Tikki craftsman) is well aware of the textural crunch vital to completing perfect the Tikki.
Upon the chutney layer, the Tikki-wala lovingly balances some shredded carrots and turnips adding a final precarious flourish the Alu Tikki w/ Chutney.
Dhal: Lentels
Thappar: Slap

03 October, 2007

Bestselling Author / Comedian / Investor urges Vikster to be a Monkey, not a Monk

A high-flying, high-stakes writer-gone-rich recently took time away from the Mile High Club to meet Vikster for drinks. He give Vikster a signed copy of his best selling book and lashed out the following pep talk in response to the controversy (including threats of police action, harassment of Vikster's family members, and accusations of racism) generated by this article. Read the original story and the author's response, a double page spread in the Bangkok Post Newspaper's Guru Magazine.

Wow! Its like just landing from a Time Machine!

Kushwant Singh or Russell Peters didnt happen? The Kumars shifted from No. 42 to .. what? 32? What are you saying: Mind Your Language didnt mind but Kruengthep does? It Aint Half Hot Mom became a cold Bhaji? Pinch me, somebody! What a bizaaare correspondence!! Am I in now back in The Punjabi Enclave That Time Forgot ! (-- Remind me, someone, not to throw a coke can out of my aeroplane over Sukhumvit!).

Hey, whats going on here? A jokester stands up to make you laugh and you want to PILLORY him? Are we in the F*&%$ MIDDLE ages? You're mad at the guy cause he talks about HAIR and hair OIL? Arranged marriages? About Indian television? THIS is what makes you hot under the turban? (Whats coming next: a sloganfest in BKPost or a demonstration in Siam Square?) .

Who exactly are you worried about? Are you worried about what fellow-Thais (liberal minded folks who publish your rantings, even!) will think of you? Is it the Khaik next door? Who is THAT worried about your false and overblown 'dignity', oye Thai-Punjabi? Are you worried about looking at wonky mirror at the fairground? You, Oy Punjabi? You who come from a land of warriors, of laughter, of danciing drums that churns the blood and and a fertile earth that could and often does feed most of the rest of India? Oyee Ballaaaaay!

Some guy makes our funny foibles interesting enough to appear in the 'mainstream' media and you castigate him instead of breaking out the laddoos (with varak, if you please!)? Listen, I know that some of our forefathers in India and those of the colonial diaspora had to remain self-effacing and scurry about sometimes instead of walking Punjabi-tall.. and that false humility was woven into our genes (soffly soffly catchee dollah, Heyah?). Ok... Okay!!

But hey, hallelujah! Gather round, fellow Punjabis, I have good news for you: We dont have to stay under the radar ANY MORE ---- because (with Indian minds and in Indian factories!) we MAKE the f&^$@ radar now, capish??!!

Listen: (Make Notes, please!): News Flash:The colonial overlords all went home, all over the world, quite a few decades ago! ( Presumably for a spot of tea and kippers.)

Yippee! Spread the word (Are you noting this down?): We are free! Muang Thai, baaaby! We can be who we are or want to be! Our poets are free to write our songs in hip hop and bhangra if they choose to! We are free to make faces, pinch our cheeks and pigtails! Free to get rich beyond the dreams of avarice! Our jesters are free to laugh at ourselves and the world! Wheeeeeee!

And the only folks we -- certainly I do!-- have to be afraid of henceforth is YOU lathi-weilding Little-Endians who are trying trying to scalp this Vikster who dares to hold up a funny looking egg to your face in jest and in laughter!

Yo, dudes! Dont chuck juttis at the Vikster ... Chuck marigolds, chuck jasmine, chuck barfees... oye, bhappa, CHUCK DE!

Quick, someone PUHLEEZE build a statue to this Vikster guy for LIVING in Thailand where I have chosen to re-settle just recently....may he stay here forever and continue to amuse me! AND puhleeze dont forget to build another one for his editor --- who had the testicular fortitude to put a double page spread to air this discussion!

The Vikster is good, because his voice is true and funny. Naturally, it resonates with the young. Young who have a past, sure, but also a future! Tradidition should not be a weight that bows you down but the wind beneat your wings, and a song that sets you free!

And so my message to the Vikster today is: DONT STOP THE FUN! DONT DILUTE! And most importantly: DONT LET THE TURKEYS TAKE THE SONG AND THE LAUGHTER OUT OF YOUR VOICE!

And so also, I say unto you Little-Endians, re-read Swift, and laugh at yourselves and the world, with The Vikster.

Laughter is where life truly lives.

And enjoy your uniqueness, oye Punjabi! In dull, drab world: flaunt it, write it, sing it, dance it, CELEBRATE it!

If you truly love your culture, that is what will make it grow, evolve, survive!

28 September, 2007

Vikster Shaves Head, Becomes Monk

Overwhelmed by deep regret for bringing shame and embarrassment to his community; and in solidarity with the oppressed Burmese monks, Vikster joined a forest monastery. Future columns will feature discourses on living according to the Noble Eightfold Path.

14 September, 2007

Crying Indians Laughing Indians: Vikster Explains Himself

This double page spread in the Bangkok Post Newspaper's Guru Magazine is the author's response to the controversy caused by his satire published a week prior.

My grandfather’s coffin went bump-bump-bump as I spoke with Voranai. One hour to my dearly departed grandfather’s cremation, sitting on the coffin-bus and my editor was on the phone in frenzy. “Have you been checking your mails?” he asked.

"No" I replied, "I'm on my way to... a... um... a meeting."

“I’ve been getting calls all morning. It’s pretty serious.” He told me of angry women crying on the phone. Of treats to shut down the Bangkok Post, reporting them to the Indian Embassy, and claims that the police were on their way to his office. A police report? “On what charge?” he asked.

“For accusing Indians of being hairy” one of his callers replied.

My first article was published in this magazine last week. The Punjabi Playa’s Guide was a cheeky advice column full of misinformation and exaggeration about Bangkok’s Punjabi community to which I belong.

After the funeral rites I went home, washed my hair and checked my email. 23 messages and one blog post complimenting me vs. three angry emails that Friday evening. I called the editor back, “what’s the fuss?” I asked him. At the time of this writing, I have received around 35 messages complimenting my work and six complaints. I hear that a very angry group is writing to the Bangkok Post.

Voranai told me that I had some explaining to do. I had until Monday to write a new article telling his angry Indian readers exactly what mischief I’m up to.

I’m not a diplomat or a philosopher. I don’t have a PhD in Thai-Indian culture and I don’t speak on behalf of all Thai-Indians. I’m not even being paid. I hope other Indians express themselves publicly, and I’m sure there’s more to talk about than Bollywood and Indian restaurants. I welcome your comments, good or bad. I provide a space for all your opinions. Debate is good.

I’ll explain myself, but be gentle. I’m just here to tell a few jokes to entertain my generation. This is a lifestyle and entertainment magazine. Feedback shows that the majority loves my comedy and wants me to continue.

Here’s an email from somebody who disagrees: [Brackets added by me]

Subject: how dare u insult we indians
raise your voice against this article !!!!

well mr […] the one who thinks he knows indians very well & the siamese wanna be .... but sounds to be like a jerk for the rest of the world. we know you work for the siamese but that doesnt mean you should be butterin them up by insulting indians...!!! every indian men,women,kids & old ppl are against your article in guru magazine page 12 about punjabi's ...what r u if not namthari's [Namdharis are a type of Sikh] or hindu but hey dude you still fall in the hairy categories so watch out before you speak !!!

the overall page plus the words used are soooooooo rude, full of nonsense & bullshit. you should have been slapped non-stop. you mentioned about being hairy wellll you are one of them.... we do know that we hate being hairy but that doesnt mean that we are ashamed about being an indian...& dude about waxing this is 20th century they have something called laser which not only indians are allowed but every race ... i've seen so many siamese & the gora's [westerners] doin it ... so next time before you published such a shit article do find out more !!!

about the zee tv i think u must be complaining about your mom & grandmom who has nothin else to do besides being a potato couch watching childish zee tv soap thats y such a childish son is born from her soaps womb !!! and hey btw the zee tv has more sense than thai tv .... with all those nonsense screamings & servants role !!!

and about the long hair with the vatika oil i think your sister is the only indians using it in thailand or your mom still forced your dad to put it on his hair.....HELLLLL00000 it wud me more appropriate if you could just say baby johnson oil !!!!!

about the arrange marriage may b ur m0m just fix urs like what last weeek..??? and hey if sum1 has da $$$$$$ to study abroad wats up ur ass???? y are siamese studyin abroad ....????

and hey facebook & hi5 are used worldwide not only in indians in bkk ....does that means all the siamese & americans r also jerks....EVEN THE SIAMESE HAVE 1 OF THHOSE PROFILE & HEY JERK STOP SURFING ONLY SHAADI.COM [an Indian matrimonial service] WEBSITES FINDIN A NICE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW FROM INDIA 4 UR MOM !!!


Hands up those of you who believed I was writing a genuine advice column last week. Nobody, Indains, Thais or “Goras” took that article seriously. The positive comments were from Bangkok-Indians, mostly female, who joined me in laughing at ourselves.

A human-rights activist and my friend, Pooja, had the following to say about me in her blog (read the complete story on http://beyond-skin.blogspot.com/ ):

His first article […] touches upon [our] idiosyncrasies and says “yes, we are a little pathetic, but we know how to laugh at ourselves because we’ve come a long way since spinach farming.” […] he addresses the stereotypes with humour and mischief rather than perpetuating this idea that Indians only have the authority to discuss yoga and bhangra. I hope other Indians in Bangkok are able to also pick up on [his] thinly-veiled challenge: is this who we want to be, or can we redefine ourselves?

The ability to laugh at ourselves represents a maturity among the majority of readers who contacted me. It’s a sign that we’re not ashamed. Let the world see us for who we really are: beautiful and tacky.

I’ve been accused of not being a “proud” Punjabi. Pride doesn’t mean sweeping our embarrassing quirks under the carpet. I love my culture: the wonderful parts and the silly. By identifying the silly parts we can start to change them (if, at all they need changing). It also makes us more human. Why lie that we’re perfect? We’re human, we have flaws. Be proud of the flaws!

There was a time when we had to hide. Unlike the Chinese, we rarely married Thais. Our distinctive look set us apart so we remained in our small incestuous communities. We were avoided and misunderstood by the public and we did precious little to change their views. This has resulted in some deep insecurities. Some of us walk around with a chip on our shoulders, ready to pounce on anybody who might be laughing. We developed a fierce conservatism.

The conservative ideology is based on fear. Fear of the unknown, fear of change. Fear of being individuals in public because we’re so used to being shot down and laughed at. Sisters and brothers, times have changed!

We’re approaching a cultural renaissance. People don’t necessarily hate us, sometimes they’re just curious. In most cases they’re so busy in their own lives they don’t care either way. Sure they have stereotypes about us, but we have stereotypes about them too, don’t we? Should we pretend those stereotypes don’t exist? Perhaps the stereotypes mean we should look in the mirror and see if there’s somebody in there that could use some improvement.

My dear grandfather worked hard to build a good life here, as did many of yours’. Did they mean for us to remain insular? Laughing at ourselves and sharing the joke with Thais and Expats doesn’t mean we’re becoming liberal.
The liberal mentality is equally as unstable as conservatism. It suggests that we don’t care about the past; it hints that we're letting go of our values, and that maybe we’re being too influenced by “the others”.

That’s not what modern Thai-Indians are about. If anything we’re re-inventing ourselves. We're creating a new definition of what it means to be Thai-Indian. We love our Sikhism, our Hinduism and we’re taking it forward. We’re integrating with other cultures and learning form them, and they’re learning from us. The term for this isn’t “liberal”, it’s “progressive”.

One of the most enjoyable ways to teach others is through humor. Admit it; we laugh at our own Sardar (and Gujju and Sindhi) jokes. Are Sardars really as silly as the jokes make them seem? Are all Sindhis stingy? No. We find the jokes funny because there's something in the stereotypes we relate to.
There's nothing wrong with Vatika Oil even though most Bangkok Indians don’t use it (I use Johnson’s Baby Oil as my angry reader suggests). All of us know somebody's somebody who's addicted to Zee TV. It's funny; it’s a quirk of ours. We're mature enough to laugh at our quirks. Our forward messages, magazines and movies have material far worse than my Punjabi Playa’s Guide. V.S. Naipaul and Kushwant Singh have been bashing their own tribe for years. Russell Peters and co. laugh at their fellow Indians for a living, and everybody (Indians and non-Indians) loves their comedy. I’m peanuts compared to them!

Our communities have grown and diversified. Diversification brings an acceptance of who are and identification of areas needing improvement. I’m a symptom of change. My views aren’t unique. Shoot me down and you’ll have ten more Viksters’ pop up. Join me and we can grow together.

Indians are in all levels of Thai society. Sure we dominate textiles, real estate and jewelry but we’ve also moved far beyond that. We’ve become entertainers, thinkers, social workers and scientists. We’re doctors and lawyers and business executives. There’s nothing tacky about that.

We’re far more comfortable than we’ve ever been!

Sit back, grab some tea and pakoras and laugh with me.

Next week I go back to telling jokes.

As published in Guru Magazine, 14th September 2007.

13 September, 2007

Guru Magazine's editor responds to accusation that his magazine is "racist"

From: Voranai Vanijaka / Editor, Guru Magazine

With reference to the letter by “Anti-Racist”.

Dear Anti-Racist,

I was deeply saddened and dumbfounded by your letter. How can an individual make accusations of RACISM and IRRESPONSIBLITY without a single ounce of proof to back any of it up, not one piece of evidence?

The only example you gave was “How to pick up Indian girls” – how does this constitute “Racism”? Especially since the article was written by an Indian? Since the column is about the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians of the Punjabi community? Are you saying young Thai-Indians do not date?

These are very strong accusations and I request an apology.

We are a media publication and we serve to provoke thought, pose questions, and invite debate. We stand by our beliefs in freedom of expression, freedom of thought and progressiveness. We despise censorship and threats. That is the integrity and duty of the media.

If we are to kowtow to unfounded accusations, then we should be ashamed to call ourselves journalists. However, if we’ve made mistakes in our writing, we would happily apologize for those mistakes. But the burden of proof is on the accuser. And no, (excerpt from the article) “sending a team of scientists in search for hairless people” is not a mistake, as it is intended to be humorous. And no educated adult with ability to understand creative writing would take that as historical fact. Humor and creative writing are the backbone of a lifestyle publication.

The article was written by a Punjabi Thai-Indian to offer a humorous, satirical look at the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians. Nowhere in the article is there any racism. But the main point of this (unpaid, freelance) writer was/is to provide his own (Punjabi) community with a voice of the young generation for his community.

Furthermore, had you taken the time to actually read the article for what it was, rather than simply picking out all the parts that you deem as ‘racist’ you would find a well-written article covering relationship issues. Yes, the persona identified in the column may be a chauvinistic idiot, but racist he is not. And he is intended to be a chauvinistic idiot, to shed light on the behavior of young people, to let them have a look at themselves in mirror, in their quest to score girls. To provoke thought and make them question themselves. He’s ridiculing young male’s behavior in relation to young female through creative writing.

You say you have over 30 people complaining? I also have over 30 people complimenting the article. You can read them in this Friday's issue of Guru Magazine. There may be less people who like the column, and more people who dislike it, but again, we are a media organization with principles and integrity, not media prostitute that kowtows to ratings.

On a weekly basis, we parody different segments of Bangkok and Thailand, in the interests to encourage people to examine ourselves, take a look at the good and the bad within ourselves, in order to develop and improve as individuals and as a society. Share ideas, exchange ideas and offer debate. Provoke and make impact. That is the job of the Media.

Which is why, more so than recommendations of restaurants and parties, Guru Magazine is most popular for personal columns that examine politic, society and people.

If we make one person think, question himself/herself and reexamine his/her role in society; then we have done a good job as journalists. The language (slang) we use is the language of our generation. You may not speak the same language, but that doesn’t give you the right to try to prevent us from speaking our language. You cannot prevent a generation of people from speaking out.

Thai society has come a long way. And like it or not, the Thai-Indian community is a part of that society. We are all Thais and we are all equal. It is the writer, Vikster’s interests, to bridge the gap between the two communities. Offer more understanding and common ground, after all, we are all Thais and we are all people.

Like many young Thais, Vikster and those like him, wish to no longer be blind, deaf and dumb by kowtowing to censorship, whether self-imposed, community-imposed, government-imposed or media-imposed. They wish to speak out. They wish to make progress. They wish to evolve as people and society. And it’s the duty and responsibility of the Media to be the platform for such people, or any people.

The article shows that young Thai-Indians have issues with traditions and the older generation, just like everyone else in Thailand, be them Thais, Chinese, Farangs or whoever. The article shows the lifestyle of young Thai-Indians (clubbing, studying abroad, romance and courtship, facebook/hi5/myspace etc…), a similar lifestyle to others within the society. The article shows the beautiful and the quirky, the smart and the silly – all that which makes us HUMANS.

It is the author’s interests, and of those like him, to dispel stereotypes, to reach out to their own community and bridge the gap with other communities. Their aim is for the ethnic-Thai community to no longer view the Thai-Indian community as an entirely different breed, some alien group that no one understands or doesn’t even care to have dealings with.

The truth of the matter is: Most Thais do not have any Thai-Indian friends, and most Thai-Indians do not mingle with Thais. We treat each other at arm’s length, with suspicion and paranoia. (And your letter is proof of that.)

But with a column such as this, with people such as Vikster, at least the Thais can go, “Wow, they are really no different from us. Similar issues, similar problems, similar struggles, similar quirks, similar silliness. We are all just people.”

And if Vikster and those like him wish to bridge the gap between the communities, then we will continue to support him, as it is our job, our duty as the media to do so. And if any one has a contrary opinion, we are a media platform. You are welcome to write in and express your opinion and we will be more than happy to debate the issue further, like educated adults.

That is the spirit of responsible journalism. It’s not to kowtow to censorship and threats in order to increase readerships and make money.

We at Guru serve our community, and that is the Bangkok community, which is made up of various ethnic groups. We serve to inform, to question, to provoke, to debate – all for the sake or progress and evolution.

In closing, I request an apology for your accusations of being Racist and Irresponsible. But unlike you, I leave it to your freedom of choice whether to apologize or not – without having to resort to making threats.

This is the integrity of the media. This is the responsibility of the media. This is the duty of the media. And I am proud to be a member of the Media, of The Post Publishing and of Guru Magazine.

Respectfully,

Voranai Vanijaka



-Original Message-

From: Anti Racist

Dear Editor,

With reference to an article on page 12 of last Fridays GURU magazine (I think the article was PUNJABI PLAYA by Vikster). I would like to convey to you how badly that has hurt the sentiments of many people with Indian ethnicity.

I have been a loyal subscriber of your newspaper for many decades. This is the first time i am ever writing to your paper. The Bangkok Post has always been outstanding in providing news, information and entertainment for all it's reader. A result of that has been your growing success.

I was deeply sadden and dumfolded by the above mentioned article. How can a publication under the Bangkok Post publish an article that ridicule and mock a certain ethnic group. I am amazed how could you have a journalist with a lack of understanding of responsible journalism. I do not know that individual as he had contributed this article under his pen name (' VICKSTER'). This article is demeaning and has sadden many Indians, most of them living here for more than 3 generations. This article suggests way to pick up Indian girls!!

Dear editor and all responsible, I hope you will take neccessary actions against those responsible for the publication. An apology alone will not suffice as I and many of my friends and associates will not contribute to a publication that will ridicule, mock and talk dirt about any ethnic group. Pls also check the language and abbreviations used in this article. YOur publication suggest this magazine caters to the young generation of the Thai Society so how can such language be used? We are all aware that everyone is familiar with the slangs (or suggestive slang) but its your moral duty as a leading newspaper not to culture it further. I am amazed how did this article pass through the editorial table of GURU magazine!! If you think it's ok then our nations newpapers will be spewed with slangs and abusive language. Pls kindly note that alot of youngsters pratice their English reading skill by reading your newpaper and it's supplementaries.

Since last Friday I have made contact with many people in my community and we have come to a conclusion that if there's no PUBLISHED APOLOGY and if the journalist in question remains under your payroll we will not renew our subscription to your newspaper. Till now i have gathered 30 people who have pledged to do the same. This is not all i will be circulating emails to our community to boycott your publication. We have already discussed with various centers for the Indian community (Temples, Associations, Clubs...etc.) and we will push for the boycott of your publication. A few hundred subscribers will not matter much for you as you are a big publishing house, but do remember that in todays time the best form of advertising is by word of mouth. I will do all i can within my reach to get the maximum people to boycott your newspaper. Pls keep in mind the number of Indian readers you have. We have an alternate in the form of THE NATION.

I plead with you to take responsibility and show us the spirit of responsible journalism.

I would appreciate any correspondance via this email.

Thanking you.
ss?

Hate Mail for Punjabi Playa's Guide

Last Friday's Punjabi Playa's Guide caused quite a stir. I received a total of 35 compliments and six angry emails as of this posting. My editor received furious calls with threats including police action. Here are the angry responses:

Let me know what you think.

From: chon chaang

how dare u insult we indians


raise your voice against this article !!!!

well mr..... the one who thinks he knows indians very well & the siamese wanna be .... but sounds to be like a jerk for the rest of the world. we know you work for the siamese but that doesnt mean you should be butterin them up by insulting indians...!!! every indian men,women,kids & old ppl are against your article in guru magazine page 12 about punjabi's ...what r u if not namthari's or hindu but hey dude you still fall in the hairy categories so watch out before you speak !!!

the overall page plus the words used are soooooooo rude, full of nonsense & bullshit. you should have been slapped non-stop. you mentioned about being hairy wellll you are one of them.... we do know that we hate being hairy but that doesnt mean that we are ashamed about being an indian...& dude about waxing this is 20th century they have something called laser which not only indians are allowed but every race ... i've seen so many siamese & the gora's doin it ... so next time before you published such a shit article do find out more !!!

about the zee tv i think u must be complaining about your mom & grandmom who has nothin else to do besides being a potato couch watching childish zee tv soap thats y such a childish son is born from her soaps womb !!! and hey btw the zee tv has more sense than thai tv .... with all those nonsense screamings & servants role !!!

and about the long hair with the vatika oil i think your sister is the only indians using it in thailand or your mom still forced your dad to put it on his hair.....HELLLLL00000 it wud me more appropriate if you could just say baby johnson oil !!!!!

about the arrange marriage may b ur m0m just fix urs like what last weeek..??? and hey if sum1 has da $$$$$$ to study abroad wats up ur ass???? y are siamese studyin abroad ....????

and hey facebook & hi5 are used worldwide not only in indians in bkk ....does that means all the siamese & americans r also jerks....EVEN THE SIAMESE HAVE 1 OF THHOSE PROFILE & HEY JERK STOP SURFING ONLY SHAADI.COM WEBSITES FINDIN A NICE DAUGHTER-IN-LAW FROM INDIA 4 UR MOM !!!



From: Anya Kiya

Punjabi Playa or Punjabi PRICK?!!!


Dear Mr 'Too cool for School'

I read your article this morning, I'm sure no need to remind you which one...I'm a punjabi girl, 21 years old,live in Bangkok.. studying abroad and here's what my sister and I have to say..

your article should be called

'A guide to become a desperate creep' ...or actually ' The punjabi prick's guide to act fowl' By the way people following your advice would only get desperate girls and uneducated ones hanging on their rms...that's if they're stupid enough to take your article seriously..

This world has moved on...no more sexist shits!!you obviously haven;t..either that or just grow up!!!!

People reading your article would just laugh at you or feel sorry for you if that's the life you've lead.

oh and by the way...I've been studying in the UK for 10 years..I still wouldn't find those guys with stupid oneliners and namphrik crap attractive or cool let alone..'normal' ! hopefully no boys have read your article and thought 'ohh great advice'! we dont need anymore desperate men running around thinking they're all that..n btw they're the saddest of all people..
Hopefully you're not one of them...good luck to you



From: punjabi punjabi

Hi!!

Interesting story, too bold, some true facts, not at all a proud punjabi infact very ashamed of it!!! Balle, Balle,Haw Hai, OMG etc,etc.

I'm a proud punjabi, sad to know you're not!!!

Make us proud of our origin. Thanks!!!



From: Thira Khanijou

dear vikster,

you did offend quite a few people with your article. i hope your next column will give people the more accurate facts about us thai-indians.

thira



From: sopha s

Sep 12

cshi

I just wanted to congratulate you for winning the award for SCD of the year(there's another abb. for your vocab listing).

Not a fan

09 September, 2007

The Punjabi Playa's Guide to Gettin' your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple

Punjabis are the loudest, biggest and most hairy people in the whole damn universe. Two hundred years ago, Punjabi scientists sent research teams to the far corners of the world to find a race totally opposite to ours. Years later we discovered the most gentle, soft-spoken and hairless people on Earth: The Siamese.

For 40 days and 40 nights we sang and danced. “Balle! Balle!” we proclaimed. All across our fertile land, from our fields of spinach to the banks of our five sacred rivers we partied and drank and fainted. Then we got up and drank some more.

Hungover but still happy, we selected the bravest and hairiest of us to live amongst these mysterious Siamese people and learn their ways. Perhaps we could be hairless like them. “No more clogged shower drains!” said the men. “No more leg-waxings!” said the women. Thus began the great experiment of establishing a Punjabi community in Thailand.

Seven generations later and our experiment has failed miserably. Oh we tried following their ways. We pigged-out on som tam, watched TV soap operas and voted Thai Rak Thai. Then we abstained from voting. Then our vote was nullified. Then we voted for the constitution. Yet we remain as hairy as ever. Oh well. We’re here and we can’t go back (Punjab has since spit into two pieces and most people got out of the spinach farming business so we wouldn’t know what to do.)

Since we’re here we might as well live the good life. Have the best of both worlds. Culture and coochie. Tradition and tooty. As such I present to you the Punjabi Playa’s Guide to Gettin’ your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple (PPGGFWSRT for short). Girls and Elders: put the magazine down. Take five steps back, say “haw hai” and go have some tea and pakoras. The rest of this article is for single men only.


PPGGFWRST Point Number Ek: “I’m just looking for a wife”.

The Indian arranged marriage circuit is a dating service in disguise. It’s your ticket to meeting an unlimited supply of homely girls you’d never see at the clubs or bhangra nites. These girls are diamonds in the rough. They keep their long hair nourished with Vatika coconut oil; sing their hymns so very faithfully; and their idea of a wild evening is watching Zee TV with their parents at 8 p.m. Playa, you’ve just struck gold!

Use your slick charm to tell them of the magic world beyond the box. Wax poetic of the blinking lights and thumping beats in the clubs. Tell them of the romantic moon lit walks you’d take with them. Speak bravely of exotic cocktails such as whiskey coke, whiskey soda and whiskey so-coke. You’ll have her mesmerized, dazzled and zombified.

Of course she’ll have to spice it up a little, so give her a couple of fashion magazines and send her on a Paragon shopping spree. Get her a makeover gift voucher, but insist that she keep on using the Vatika hair oil. After all, you’ve created a brand new Playette (subject for a future article); you don’t want her snatched up until you’re ready to let her go. The coconut oil is insurance that the competition will stay beyond smelling distance.

When you’re ready to move on her just introduce her to leave-in conditioner.


PPGGFWRST Point Number Do: Cloak’n’Dagger

Playa, why do you have such a lame Facebook profile? And what are you doing on Facebook anyway? Facebook is for decent well-behaved, well-educated young adults. Hi5 is for playas.

Here’s what you need to do: remix your profile. Remove that obvious picture of yours and replace it with a picture of your buttocks. It’s a well known fact that women like to look at backsides so here’s your chance to making a bangin’ first impression. Change your name to something like “2 Kool 4 Skool” but make sure it’s not displayed as Lastname, Firstname because “4 Skool 2 Kool” doesn’t have the same impact.

See, this way nobody will know who you are. Even if your cousin or hip sister-in-law sees you she’ll be like “2 Kool? Vot is this 2 Kool nonsense? Hi5 is stupid. Time for some tea and pakoras. Zee TV is on.” You can go around adding every half-decent catch on Hi5 and have your inbox full of adoring messages like “Who r u? Where did u get my contact?” Classic signs she wants you, Playa!


PPGGFWRST Point Number Tin: Brotherly Love

That girl you’ve been sending sweet-sweet messages to: has she dropped an “I love you like a brother” bomb on you? Keep calm bro, the world’s not over. Here’s how to drag yourself out of Bro-Zone and back to Mr. Lova Lova Land:

See, women are jealous. They don’t go for easy men so you need to increase your value. Change your friend’s names on your phone to “Babycheeks”, “Sugalips” and “Cutiecakes”. Then strategically get them to message you with pre-scripted romantic one liners every time you’re with your sista-from-another-mista. Tell her “Hai hai! Why do these girls keep messaging me?” show her the messages and shake your head in frustration.

Soon she’ll be begging for some of that magic that’s driving all the other girls loopy. You’d better start lifting weights Playa! Before long she’ll be finding any manner of excuse to fall into those strong arms of yours.


PPGGFWRST Point Number Char: Out Standing Citizen

As the old joke goes, Santa Singh and Banta Singh decide to win a Nobel Price. Santa Singh gets up and sprints to the middle of a football field and stands there for half a day. Banta Singh finally locates him and asks him what he’s doing. Santa replies, “I read that to win a Nobel prize you must be out standing in your field.”

The game play here is to let your magnificence shine, do something to get your name tip-of-tongue and top-of-mind. You want to beat the hundreds of other wanna-be-playas aiming for your share of booty? Be outstanding!

Grow yourself a thick furry mustache and make a habit of twirling it. You’ll quickly be known as Chief. Twirlyface and your image will be permanently burned into the brains of everybody you meet.

It is scientifically proven that girls can only think of five guys a day. Achieving this kind of brain-burn is a great way to remain on her active list. Just call her up and ask her out. Gone are the days of “Who is this and how did you get my number?” When you call, she’ll say “Hey! You’re the twirly guy! Ooo mustaches are so sexy! Can I be the mother of your children?”


PPGGFWRST Point Number Panj: Beyond the Sea

Who knows why good Indian girls go absolutely nuts when they study abroad. It’s not like anything’s lacking in Bangkok. Sure they have curfews and the constant glare of the community watching their every move but that’s not so bad is it? I mean, who ever heard of a decent Punjabi girl out late night… talking to all kinds of strangers, drinking what not! Shameful. Never happened, never will.

Unless, of course, they go abroad. See, it’s a strongly-held Punjabi belief: when in Rome do as the Romanians do (“Rome” meaning any place populated by immoral white people such as Sydney, London or Boston; and “Romanian” meaning gypsies.)

So play on playa! The way to an overseas Bangkok-Indian girl’s heart is through her mouth. Practice your pad-kraphao, bring along some kaeng thai paste and don’t forget the easy fallback, Ma-Ma Tom Yum packets. Just walk up to her in a club and say “Hey Baby, wanna sip my naam prik?” or “You got oyster sauce? Let’s go back to my place and stir-fry.” Give her a taste of home and she’ll be dining on Playa Food six nights a week. At least until the next guy comes along with a thicker naam prik.

Vikster is a former Punjabi Playa. Send him your love, hate and gossip: viksters.verld@gmail.com


Vikster’s Vocab

Punjab: A state in northwest India

Balle Balle: Groovy baby! Shall we shag now or shag later?

Pakora: Punjabi tempura

Tempura: Japanese pakora

Zee TV: Satellite TV station with non-stop broadcasts of women crying without ruining their perfect makeup.

Vatika Oil: The reason why Thai people think that Indians smell bad

Haw Hai: OMG!

Bhangra Nite: A party where girls dress up to take pictures to put on Facebook and where guys get drunk and beat each other up.

Ek, Do, Tin: One, Two, Three

Char, Panj: Four, Five

Hai Hai: WTF!