Where have all the heroes gone?

Published in Bed Sheets Magazine. December, 2007. Un-edited version follows.

The strawberry is primarily a homosexual fruit. The explosion of juice in the oral cavity resulting from the piercing of the berry’s plump red flesh is entirely inappropriate for a straight, red-blooded male. Females, too, had best stay away from this fruit, unless it is cut into thin portions and eaten with the aid of a fork (or unless said woman is a prostitute).

I have nothing against faggots or whores or their outlandish taste in fruit, but I see the popularity of the strawberry as a symptom of the on-going gay-ification of society. Why, for example, doesn’t the masculine Dragonfruit or the regal Durian have its’ place in popular culture? Have you ever had Dragonfruit ice-cream? Durian flavored green tea?

In our attempts at being inclusive, have we not gone too far?

The generations before us looked up to warriors: the samurai, the cowboy, Gengis Khan, Alexander the Great... even detestable figures like Hitler and Stalin were at once hated yet exalted for their sheer lack of feminine frailty and their brute barbarism.

Who do we look up to today? Bill Gates.

Nelson Mandela. Gandhi. Aung San Su Kyi. His Holiness the Dalai Lama.

What happened? Why have we all turned into yellow-shirt-wearing, peace-loving, thumb sucking, make-tea-not-war clucking, hippies? What happened to the time where Arabs and Jews hated each other? Now we see them putting their 3,000 year old hostilities aside and sitting across negotiating tables to talk about how to share water resources. What happened to India and Pakistan being arch enemies? Now they operate bus services, play cricket matches and even *gasp* send their actors and singers across the borderline to entertain each other.

Crime is down. War is down. Skirts are up. Pants are down.

Most men are confused as hell. The metrosexual movement of the early 00’s may be well behind us, but its effects linger. Many red-blooded hetro’s still think they need to do more than shit, shower and shave before heading out for the night. This is partially fueled by Big Business who cha-ching at the increasingly big market for male cosmetics.

Unbeknownst to them, women are not just turned off by pretty boys but actually threatened that they now have to compete with men, not just women, in their quest for perfection.

Most men reach somewhat of a compromise between God and The Devil. They’ll get that pretty haircut but let some stubble grow. They’ll wear a shiny shirt but pair it with chunky boots. I’m here to tell you my brothers, that’s not gonna work!

Our purpose, our calling from the dawn of humanity is to hunt for wild beasts to bring back to our caves where we are to be adored and satisfied by our eager harem. Men protect, women provide. Men grunt, women giggle. Men command, women obey.

Male dominance in society is blamed for wars and the culture of violence, when the true culprit is distorted masculinity. Unfulfilled passions create repressed desires which come out in ugly and dangerous ways. What are the Taliban if not sexually-repressed schoolboys who’ve grown up and still play with guns? What fuels George Bush’s policy of perpetual war if not the repressed neo-conservative fear of being themselves? Read up on the republican gay sex scandals of 2007 for examples of men who talk about big about morality and get caught repeatedly with their pants down.

Brothers, it is time to claim your masculinity. Be strong and brave hunters as you conquer the world and lead your tribe. We have a million sperm to each woman’s egg. May that inspire us to be bold in our conquests and plant the phallus-shaped flag at the center of our heads so that women from near and far may instantly identify us as the dickheads we are.

The revolution begins now.

If my wife’s ok with it.