The Punjabi Playa's Guide to Gettin' your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple

Punjabis are the loudest, biggest and most hairy people in the whole damn universe. Two hundred years ago, Punjabi scientists sent research teams to the far corners of the world to find a race totally opposite to ours. Years later we discovered the most gentle, soft-spoken and hairless people on Earth: The Siamese.

For 40 days and 40 nights we sang and danced. “Balle! Balle!” we proclaimed. All across our fertile land, from our fields of spinach to the banks of our five sacred rivers we partied and drank and fainted. Then we got up and drank some more.

Hungover but still happy, we selected the bravest and hairiest of us to live amongst these mysterious Siamese people and learn their ways. Perhaps we could be hairless like them. “No more clogged shower drains!” said the men. “No more leg-waxings!” said the women. Thus began the great experiment of establishing a Punjabi community in Thailand.

Seven generations later and our experiment has failed miserably. Oh we tried following their ways. We pigged-out on som tam, watched TV soap operas and voted Thai Rak Thai. Then we abstained from voting. Then our vote was nullified. Then we voted for the constitution. Yet we remain as hairy as ever. Oh well. We’re here and we can’t go back (Punjab has since spit into two pieces and most people got out of the spinach farming business so we wouldn’t know what to do.)

Since we’re here we might as well live the good life. Have the best of both worlds. Culture and coochie. Tradition and tooty. As such I present to you the Punjabi Playa’s Guide to Gettin’ your Freak on While Still Being Respected at Temple (PPGGFWSRT for short). Girls and Elders: put the magazine down. Take five steps back, say “haw hai” and go have some tea and pakoras. The rest of this article is for single men only.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Ek: “I’m just looking for a wife”.

The Indian arranged marriage circuit is a dating service in disguise. It’s your ticket to meeting an unlimited supply of homely girls you’d never see at the clubs or bhangra nites. These girls are diamonds in the rough. They keep their long hair nourished with Vatika coconut oil; sing their hymns so very faithfully; and their idea of a wild evening is watching Zee TV with their parents at 8 p.m. Playa, you’ve just struck gold!

Use your slick charm to tell them of the magic world beyond the box. Wax poetic of the blinking lights and thumping beats in the clubs. Tell them of the romantic moon lit walks you’d take with them. Speak bravely of exotic cocktails such as whiskey coke, whiskey soda and whiskey so-coke. You’ll have her mesmerized, dazzled and zombified.

Of course she’ll have to spice it up a little, so give her a couple of fashion magazines and send her on a Paragon shopping spree. Get her a makeover gift voucher, but insist that she keep on using the Vatika hair oil. After all, you’ve created a brand new Playette (subject for a future article); you don’t want her snatched up until you’re ready to let her go. The coconut oil is insurance that the competition will stay beyond smelling distance.

When you’re ready to move on her just introduce her to leave-in conditioner.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Do: Cloak’n’Dagger

Playa, why do you have such a lame Facebook profile? And what are you doing on Facebook anyway? Facebook is for decent well-behaved, well-educated young adults. Hi5 is for playas.

Here’s what you need to do: remix your profile. Remove that obvious picture of yours and replace it with a picture of your buttocks. It’s a well known fact that women like to look at backsides so here’s your chance to making a bangin’ first impression. Change your name to something like “2 Kool 4 Skool” but make sure it’s not displayed as Lastname, Firstname because “4 Skool 2 Kool” doesn’t have the same impact.

See, this way nobody will know who you are. Even if your cousin or hip sister-in-law sees you she’ll be like “2 Kool? Vot is this 2 Kool nonsense? Hi5 is stupid. Time for some tea and pakoras. Zee TV is on.” You can go around adding every half-decent catch on Hi5 and have your inbox full of adoring messages like “Who r u? Where did u get my contact?” Classic signs she wants you, Playa!

PPGGFWRST Point Number Tin: Brotherly Love

That girl you’ve been sending sweet-sweet messages to: has she dropped an “I love you like a brother” bomb on you? Keep calm bro, the world’s not over. Here’s how to drag yourself out of Bro-Zone and back to Mr. Lova Lova Land:

See, women are jealous. They don’t go for easy men so you need to increase your value. Change your friend’s names on your phone to “Babycheeks”, “Sugalips” and “Cutiecakes”. Then strategically get them to message you with pre-scripted romantic one liners every time you’re with your sista-from-another-mista. Tell her “Hai hai! Why do these girls keep messaging me?” show her the messages and shake your head in frustration.

Soon she’ll be begging for some of that magic that’s driving all the other girls loopy. You’d better start lifting weights Playa! Before long she’ll be finding any manner of excuse to fall into those strong arms of yours.

PPGGFWRST Point Number Char: Out Standing Citizen

As the old joke goes, Santa Singh and Banta Singh decide to win a Nobel Price. Santa Singh gets up and sprints to the middle of a football field and stands there for half a day. Banta Singh finally locates him and asks him what he’s doing. Santa replies, “I read that to win a Nobel prize you must be out standing in your field.”

The game play here is to let your magnificence shine, do something to get your name tip-of-tongue and top-of-mind. You want to beat the hundreds of other wanna-be-playas aiming for your share of booty? Be outstanding!

Grow yourself a thick furry mustache and make a habit of twirling it. You’ll quickly be known as Chief. Twirlyface and your image will be permanently burned into the brains of everybody you meet.

It is scientifically proven that girls can only think of five guys a day. Achieving this kind of brain-burn is a great way to remain on her active list. Just call her up and ask her out. Gone are the days of “Who is this and how did you get my number?” When you call, she’ll say “Hey! You’re the twirly guy! Ooo mustaches are so sexy! Can I be the mother of your children?”

PPGGFWRST Point Number Panj: Beyond the Sea

Who knows why good Indian girls go absolutely nuts when they study abroad. It’s not like anything’s lacking in Bangkok. Sure they have curfews and the constant glare of the community watching their every move but that’s not so bad is it? I mean, who ever heard of a decent Punjabi girl out late night… talking to all kinds of strangers, drinking what not! Shameful. Never happened, never will.

Unless, of course, they go abroad. See, it’s a strongly-held Punjabi belief: when in Rome do as the Romanians do (“Rome” meaning any place populated by immoral white people such as Sydney, London or Boston; and “Romanian” meaning gypsies.)

So play on playa! The way to an overseas Bangkok-Indian girl’s heart is through her mouth. Practice your pad-kraphao, bring along some kaeng thai paste and don’t forget the easy fallback, Ma-Ma Tom Yum packets. Just walk up to her in a club and say “Hey Baby, wanna sip my naam prik?” or “You got oyster sauce? Let’s go back to my place and stir-fry.” Give her a taste of home and she’ll be dining on Playa Food six nights a week. At least until the next guy comes along with a thicker naam prik.

Vikster is a former Punjabi Playa. Send him your love, hate and gossip: viksters.verld@gmail.com

Vikster’s Vocab

Punjab: A state in northwest India

Balle Balle: Groovy baby! Shall we shag now or shag later?

Pakora: Punjabi tempura

Tempura: Japanese pakora

Zee TV: Satellite TV station with non-stop broadcasts of women crying without ruining their perfect makeup.

Vatika Oil: The reason why Thai people think that Indians smell bad

Haw Hai: OMG!

Bhangra Nite: A party where girls dress up to take pictures to put on Facebook and where guys get drunk and beat each other up.

Ek, Do, Tin: One, Two, Three

Char, Panj: Four, Five

Hai Hai: WTF!